Bottled Up..

So I'm that girl that you can say anything to, and no matter how bad it hurts....she'll never shed a tear. I'm good at bottling things up, and keeping them there as my own problems. I hate being vulnerable, and I hate it when people know how to make me vulneable. But here I go. I need to let things out that I've kept inside. So here it goes...

Freshman year I met someone that was totally amazing. He knew the right things to say, and he was as innocent as innocent could be. He was my best friend. I had so many walls, and for him I let down my guard. I knew I shouldn't, but he seemed so harmless. Like he wouldn't care, he would accept all my flaws all of my past, and be totally okay. Not, he stopped talking with me. Which made me put up my walls yet again. I closed off to the world. No one was going to hurt me, because I wasn't going to let them in. No one would ever know. Then junior year rolled around, and the same boy was back in my life. Wanting me to help him with a girl, but also tearing down the walls. He said he would never stop talking to me, what a lie! He broke my heart. Left me there, broken, confused, and hurt. And I wouldn't say anything. I didn't try and defend myself. I blamed me... maybe if I wasn't this way or that way..... It tormented me for months, and months. Crying all the time waiting for him to come back...

But I've realized. I don't need him. I don't need a guy in my life that doesn't care for me because of who I am. He wasn't worth my tears, or my efforts. I sacrificed so much for him, that way his life wouldn't be inconveinenced... I look back and think STUPID Girl! How come you let your walls down. Why did you let him in? And I went to putting up my walls.

I still have my walls, because of him I don't have nearly quite as many, but There are still a lot. I'm sick of being hurt. Sick of being so trusting. I'm not perfect, and so many people expect so much. I'm not perfect, I'm broken, and lost. But God loves me and that's all that matters